


The Forgotten (Loki/Reader)

by shamelessloki



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, F/M, Loki Angst, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki-centric, Reader-Insert, imagine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:43:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7940134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamelessloki/pseuds/shamelessloki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine: You are Captain America’s step daughter and have your own powers. He always made sure you’re out of any fights but when God of Mischief decided to take over Earth, there are times when you’re needed. You are as careful as possible to stay out of trouble but real trouble happens when you catch Loki’s heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I am not afraid of you

**Author's Note:**

> Takes time during Avengers first movie. I put some time between Loki visiting Stark Tower and Chitauri’s arrival. Few weeks, three I guess.

You couldn't even count how many times your father said “You can get kidnapped or killed, or both.”  
Well, the first step was done and the next is probably waiting for you very soon. This is bad. I don't know where I am, where is that bastard and when he will come back, you said to yourself and slowly started to panic. You've been warned many times, but you never really thought something like this would happen. You thought you were strong enough to protect yourself. And you were before, but not this time. You were able to fight hand-to-hand but your power was telepathy. You could send anything into other people's minds, like making them believe there is no ground under their feet or no weapon in their hand. Maybe making them think they can't see or breathe. That could not harm anyone but that one moment of surprise, when the enemy is confused and doesn't know what's going on - that was your power. That one moment when you could stab someone or shot them while they're too distracted to pay attention. It usually worked. But this time, you totally failed.

–Flashback–  
It was absolutely unexpected when Loki appeared in Stark Tower. You've been looking out of window for a long time, lost in your own thoughts about everything. You heard someone coming but who would think it was him? You didn't bother to look who it was at first. But after a few moments of silence you turned over, confused. When you saw him, standing there and smiling at you, shiver went down your spine. His smile was pure evil.   
“What are you doing here?” you asked, trying not to provoke him unnecessarily with starting fight right then. Even if you were not powerless, he was much stronger than you and you were aware of that.   
“I am visiting you,” he replied and came closer, a lot closer but you didn't step back, looking into his eyes. You saw him before during his imprisonment in helicarrier but not this closely. He would be so handsome, not being psycho, you thought for a while before he spoke again: “Actually, I didn't expect you being here but to be honest.. I desired to see you again, darling,” he smiled, it made your heart beat faster and you finally stepped back. There was something terribly wrong with him.   
“What do you want?” you asked again, slowly reaching behind, where there was a dagger in your pocket.   
“Your loyalty,” he answered and raised his scepter a little.  
“I will not obey you. Never,” you shook your head preparing your attack.   
“What a shame that you don't have a choice, beautiful.”   
His scepter almost touched your chest when you attacked him with the dagger. Or you tried to. Suddenly he was gone but you felt him behind you. You couldn't move your hands and you were sure it was his magic. So you decided to attack his mind and that was when happened something you've never experienced before. Resistance. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't send anything inside his head. He had to feel something because suddenly your hands were free and when you turned to him, he looked confused. You didn't waste your time and attacked him again. You fought harder than ever before but he was always one step ahead of you. And however you tried to, nothing seemed to hurt him. To hell with those Asgardians! What are they made of, stone? But what was more strange, he didn't hurt you either. And God knows he had many chances during your fight. It made the whole thing look like he was just having fun. A few seconds later, your dagger was thrown away with his magic and he grabbed you, holding your hands behind your back. You put all your strength to get away but he was just simply stronger.   
“Stop. Stop fighting me, love, you will hurt yourself.”   
He was laughing at you, son of a bitch. You struggled even more, desperately trying to free yourself.  
“Damn you woman, I said stop.”   
You did.  
“What do you think? You will make me to obey you and then what? I will wake up from that sick loyalty to you once and kick your ass anyway, so what’s the point? Or do you plan to make my father angry by hurting me? That’s your plan? Really boring one because guess what, bastard, I am not afraid of you.”  
You looked into his eyes, brave and strong, like Steve had taught you to be. And after a moment, he smiled widely.   
“What a sin it would be to break a spirit like this.”   
Those words and his wide smile was a last thing you remembered.   
–End of flashback–

Then you woke up in a bed, probably a few hours later, since outside the window was darkness. When you looked outside you saw enough to throw away the idea of jumping out. It was too high. You guessed Loki magically put you into sleep, because you were not hurt and didn't feel bad or anything. Your room was a really big place with bed and table and bathroom. With books, CD player, broken TV. Someone lived here, but it was a very long time ago. When you came out of the room, there was another big place but there was nothing just dirt and mess. Nobody lived here a long time. You decided to go further and maybe try to escape. Then you spent another two hours trying to unlock the door. You tried every trick you knew, so you started to believe there was magic involved. Or maybe not, but you couldn't find the way out. Eventually, you kicked in the door and screamed loudly with frustration. Dad is probably already losing his mind with fear, you thought and tears formed in your eyes. That was when door suddenly opened and Loki was standing there, anxiously looking at you.   
“Are you alright?” he came in but didn't close the door.   
“Excuse me?” you looked at him, your sadness turning into anger. Is he really surprised you are not alright? He must be kidding.   
“I heard you scream, are you hurt?” he stepped closer and you quickly tried to come around him and run out of the opened door. But you didn't reach it, his arm around your waist stopped you.  
“Looks like you're not,” he commented and before you could protest or fight, he threw you over his shoulder.  
“Are you kidding me?!” you screamed as loud as you could “you sick, evil..”  
He didn't respond just walked in the room and locked the door. Then you felt your feet reach the ground again.   
“You need to sleep a little more,” he said calmly and you sat on the bed.   
“No, I don't.”  
“Yes, you do and you will because I said so.”   
You frowned at him. “Fuck you,” you replied, already annoyed.   
He grinned. “Oh, yes. Maybe later, I am a little tired now.”  
“I'm sick of you,” you shook your head and he smiled again, starting to take off his clothes.  
“What are you doing?!” you asked hysterically and quickly got up from bed. He raised his eyebrow.  
“I am going to sleep.”   
“Here?!”   
“Where else?” he asked, still not understanding, “the bed is big enough for both of us.”   
“Don't you think I am going to sleep in the same bed with you!” you replied, trying not to look at him getting naked. God, but it was so hard not to look. Crazy or not, he did look good after all. Really good.   
“Nevermind, mother nature will get you into bed eventually,” he grinned and you frowned at him again, gladly recognizing he wasn't going to sleep naked.   
Loki fell asleep a few minutes later and you sat on the floor. Winter was coming outside, floor was cold, the wall was cold and you were cold too. It took you one hour shaking to finally got up and lie on the bed, as far away from Loki as possible. You happily covered yourself with warm sheets when you heard Loki's quiet voice: “Do you want me to warm you up?”   
“Move an inch towards me and I'm going to seriously kick your ass this time.”   
He laughed quietly and after that, you quickly fell asleep, never knowing that Loki spent rest of the night watching you sleep.


	2. All the safe places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to move on from this one :)

“Are you sure she doesn’t have a secret lover to run away with?” Tony asked in a light tone, “that’s pretty romantic and after all she’s young a woman with a young heart, maybe-”  
“No, she doesn’t,” Steve replied sharply, “And even if she did have a secret relationship, she would never leave without letting me know.”  
“That’s true. I mean, Y/N never seemed to be this type,” Bruce jumped into their conversation and shrugged his shoulders, "that’s what I think.. she would not try to solve a problem with running away, right?“  
"Yes,” Steve nodded, rubbing his forehead, suddenly tired, “she was either kidnapped or she went somewhere and something happened. And if my feelings are right and Loki took her, I don’t care about anything and I’ll kill him.”  
“No.” Thor came in and sighed, “I believe your rage, Captain. But no one is going to kill Loki, unless there’s no other option. If he can be stopped, without getting killed, then we will stop him and I’ll take him home, where justice is waiting for him.”  
Steve tried to argue but had no chance, since Thor continued: “And - even if it doesn’t seem like Loki to me - you’re probably right and it was probably him. I was the last person leaving the tower and Y/N stayed. Loki was definitely here, that I can say for sure. And since then she went missing.. I think you’re right. I tried to find him but.. nothing.”  
Everyone went quiet. Steve breathed in and closed his eyes. “Right, that’s it. I will find him and even if I would like to swear he will survive it.. I’m not really sure.”  
“Captain, I’m warning you-”  
“Thor, please,” Steve raised his voice, “this is way too personal. All of you, imagine him doing this to your most beloved one,” he tooked his shield and added: “And then decide if you’ll help me.”  
There was a silence in the room, for a while. Then Thor spoke again.  
“Loki has his magic. If he doesn’t want to be found, no one can find him.”  
“I’ll give it a try,” Steve replied and then left, with Natasha and Tony following him.  
–One week later–  
Seven days has passed since Loki kidnapped you. It took you five other attempts to escape and two attempts to attack Loki to finally give up and understand that you’re not going anywhere, unless he wants it. Living with Loki taught you many lessons. He was a mess, emotional swing and absolutely unpredictable. One never knew what could possibly make him angry. He actually didn’t spend the whole time with you. Sometimes he stayed the night, sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes he just came and left right then. But he always brought you breakfast, lunch and dinner each day and made sure you have everything. You missed your father and you kept asking but Loki was one big secret.  
“Why can’t my dad find me?” you asked him and he just shrugged his shoulder: “Maybe he has better things to do.”  
He never told you anything about his plans, about Avengers, about anything that you really wanted to know. You felt lonely but there was one little thing making it better. An unexpected company.  
The third night, Loki slept beside you but you were awake, late at night. You were just thinking about everything like usually, when you heard noises from the other room, that dirty one. Noises you kept hearing all day but they were louder now. It sounded like someone was there. You listened and when you heard it again, you whispered: “Loki?” Nothing.  
“Loki.”  
“Mm?”  
“I heard something strange. Please, go check it,” you whispered and looked at him in the dark. His eyes were still closed.  
“It’s nothing, you’re just tired. Sleep,” he murmured and you raised your eyebrow. Is he saying you’re hallucinating? You reached his shoulder and shook it slightly.  
“Please, I can hear it now. Someone is there.” No answer again. That made you angry and instead of shaking his shoulder, you kicked his leg with yours, hard, no longer whispering: “Get that ass from bed and go to see it, now. I begged you twice!”  
“Gods! You’re getting on my nerves, seriously-”  
That noise was louder than others before, almost like something has fallen.  
“You heard that, right?” you asked quietly and he got up from bed. You did too and turned on the light.  
“Stay here.” he said when he opened the door but you didn’t listen to him and followed. He looked back at you and rolled his eyes, murmuring: “Of course.”  
In the other room was no light but you saw enough to know no one was there. So you came in, because you still could hear now quiet noises. You thought it was probably just a rat or mouse. But it turned out to be a kitten. Little, weak and hungry ball of furs. You took the little visitor from the ground and rised up.  
“Look, poor little baby. God knows how long he is here. Or she.”  
“Nice, great. Throw it out of window, so we can get back to sleep,” Loki nodded, clearly annoyed and closed the door when you walked back to the dorm.  
“What? No. You should be thrown out of window. Go to sleep, if you want, this little one needs to eat.”  
The kitten, which turned out to be a boy, now named Steve, stayed with you. He was a good company and soon you couldn’t imagine not having him. As time passed, you started to feel weird. Often you couldn’t sleep, you were nervous and anxious, whenever you were alone so you kind of looked forward Loki’s company. He was so unpredictable. Sometimes he came back angry and didn’t say a thing to you. Other time he was furious and you stepped back from him when he broke the mirror in the bathroom. He noticed and slightly shook his head.  
“You know I wouldn’t hurt you,” he said and left. You knew and you kept asking yourself: Why? You hurt everyone in your way, why spare me?  
Sometimes he was tired and stressed and kind of.. hurt, maybe. But sometimes, he was all about funny sarcastic comments and tricks he played on you. That usually ended with you having a fit of laughter, which made him laugh too. He always knew how to make you laugh and kept flirting with you almost all the time.  
Once you lied on the bed, gently stroking cat’s head when you asked about Steve again.  
“Maybe Captain Tight-Pants doesn’t miss you as much as you think,” he replied with a smile.  
“Captain Tight-Pants, huh? I think your pants are pretty tight too,” you teased and he grinned at you: “Only when I see you lying like this on that bed.”  
“Oh God, I’m done,” you got up from bed, blushing a little. You headed to bathroom, leaving laughing Loki behind.  
These times, you enjoyed his company so much, it scared you. The thing was everyone warned you about his power, about his habit hurting and killing people but no one warned you about light, random touch of his fingertips on your skin, gaze of his eyes when he thought you didn’t know he was looking. His soft voice when he came back late at night and whispered “Sleep, beautiful. It’s just me.”  
One evening he came back terrified and shouted your name from the other room. You got up from chair with book in your hands and looked at him. It was obvious he had run.  
“Thank God,” he breathed out.  
“What happened?” you asked, confused and worried but he didn’t answer, just rised his hand like he wanted to touch your cheek but stopped himself and didn’t. You never got to know what happened that time.  
Later that night, when you both lied in bed, you said quietly: “Loki, give me something. I can fight with a dagger or a knife or something like that, if I am not safe here.”  
“You’re safe when I am here,” he replied, looking at the ceiling.  
“But when you’re not-”  
“Shh, don’t think about it now.”  
You fell asleep, but not for long. You woke up from nightmare but you didn’t calm down like you should when you realized it was just a dream. Instead of that, your heart started beating faster and your hands were trembling so much you couldn’t even shake Loki’s shoulder to wake him up. You got up from bed, it felt like the walls of the room were falling on you. When you came to the bathroom, you couldn’t breath and panic grew worse.  
“I’m dying,” you whispered, feeling tears on your cheeks.  
“You’re not.” You felt Loki’s hands on your shoulders. “Just breathe. I know this feeling, trust me. Y/N.. breathe.”  
“I can’t..” you sobbed, trembling.  
“You can. You just think you can’t.”  
After a few seconds, panic attack was gone. But you were still a trembling mess in Loki’s arms.  
“It’s because I’m locked alone in one place for a week,” you suddenly realized, “I felt it for days.”  
“Probably,” he replied and took your hand, leading you back to the bed, “there’s a way to the rooftop, if that helps. And I can be with you most of the time ..if you want.”  
You looked into his eyes, still holding his hand and you slowly nodded. “I do.”  
“Fine,” he whispered. Then without dropping your hand, he lied on the bed again, making you follow him.  
“I feel like a child now,” you sighed and rubbed your cheek, “I’m too weak.”  
“This can happen to anyone, weak or strong. You’re actually the bravest Midgardian, I’ve ever met.” He smiled a little and you couldn’t help it and smiled too.  
That was the first time you lied in his arms. He was holding you and it felt like the only safe place in this world. You felt him kissing your forehead and you had to fight the urge to move and kiss those lips. But that would be too much to deal with in the morning. You knew this was wrong, really wrong. But it felt so right at the moment and you were too tired and scared to fight it.  
“What are you afraid of?” he asked quietly and you answered. When you started talking, you told him everything you’ve ever feared. You talked and he listened. All night long.


	3. Like a spark.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You already got under Loki's skin, but now he is getting under yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should enjoy this one and next one sweet, romantic chapters because after that, I am going to screw with you, guys, just saying.

When you woke up the next morning, Loki was already out of bed, sitting on the chair where you used to read. He was holding a book you left there, then he opened it and frowned slightly. You smiled. He was there just like he promised, in sweater and pants which was new but welcomed because it meant he will stay longer. You couldn’t stop looking at him, sitting there and reading, lost in the depth of his thoughts.   
“Good morning, beautiful,” he smiled, his eyes still set on the page. How did he know you were looking? “or should I rather say ‘good afternoon’.”  
“Really?” you raised your eyebrows, confused, “Oh. I don’t remember the last time I’ve slept this long.”   
“It wasn’t long, we went to sleep really late last night,” Loki replied and you took a deep breath. There it was. _We. Us. Together._  
You quickly got up from bed but Loki’s voice stopped you on your way to the bathroom.  
“So who is Tess D'Urberville?”   
“A victim.” You replied when you understood he was talking about your book.  
“Of what?”  
“Of life, fate and men.”   
You closed the bathroom door behind you but you still could hear his quiet words: “That sounds boring.”  
When you started showering, you started thinking as well. The dreamy feeling of safety you felt last night was gone now. That feeling made you tell him your every fear. Suddenly your heart started beating faster. Maybe that’s exactly what he wanted.   
“Y/N, you stupid, silly girl..” you whispered to yourself and hid your face in trembling hands. Loki knows what I fear. He can use it now to break me. There was still your power of telepathy, he didn’t know about. During your attempts to escape, you’ve never tried to use it on him again. First time it didn’t work and in case it would work the second time, you saved it as your hidden weapon. He doesn’t have to know, right?   
But it felt so real and honest last night. He’s a manipulative killer, of course he made you trust him.   
When you started calming down, the fear was slowly replaced by logic. _Why would he?_ He didn’t want to hurt you. If he did, he would already do that. But what’s the point then? Loki has no reason to emotionally break you, that’s not going to help him win the war. _He has no reason to hurt me._   
You came out of shower and sighed. None of that changed the fact, that you wanted to be close to him. Suddenly you remembered the discussion you had with Tony once in the lab. He was working on something and you asked him how does he know Pepper is the right one. It was all about a guy you’ve met earlier.  
 _“Are you struggling with the first love interest, Y/N? ” he grinned and you blushed, “so.. how do you feel about him?”_  
 _“That’s the thing, Tony, I don’t know. He is nice and sweet, he understands me and supports me and he cares and-”_  
 _“Sounds more like a friendship than a love interest. It’s more than this. You know, it’s all the chemistry and stuff, when your hormones will react to his personal scent. You can’t fake it. Or fight it, you don’t even get to choose who it will be or when it will happen. You just feel it.”_  
 _“I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt it,” you said finally, thinking about it._  
 _“Then you probably didn’t. You will know that, trust me. It’s like a spark.”_  
There was no doubt that this was _it_. And there was no reason to deny it - you desired to feel his warm embrace again, you ached to feel touch of his hands and his lips.. _oh god, his lips_.   
 _There’s something really wrong with me_ , you thought, getting dressed again. _He killed many people, he’s planning to rule the Earth and probably destroy it, and I ache for him. That’s madness._ You couldn’t stop thinking about what was his plan with you but there was always that quiet little voice inside your head saying that maybe, maybe he just feels the same. 

“What took you so long?” he asked when you came out of bathroom.   
“I just.. nothing. Oh my, it’s so cold here. Do you think this works?” you pointed at the fireplace and he got up from his seat.  
“We can try it.” He kneeled in front of it and you sat beside, watching him. He used his magic to set the fire.  
“Fascinating,” you whispered and gladly noticed it made him smile, “how did you learn that?”  
“Mother taught me. Since I was a child.”   
You rised up and lie on the bed, taking little Steve in your arms. Loki stayed there, sitting next to the fireplace.  
“Really? And how old are you?” you asked, probably too curious because he looked at you and amusingly smiled again.  
“Much older than you, mortal.”  
“Alright,” you nodded. You were already used to him not answering your questions. But it didn’t mean you were done with questions, “and can you get sick?”  
“No, just injured. We are imunne to all diseases you have here, if that’s what you mean. We can get injured but it’s still hard to seriously hurt us,” he explained, his calm, patient voice more interesting than his words.   
“Yeah, tell me about it,” you rolled your eyes.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Our fight in Stark Tower.”  
“Oh,” he laughed and took a glance at you, “even that cat is stronger than you.”  
“That’s not true! It’s all about you superhumans. Once I asked Thor to fight me, just for fun, but he refused,” you grinned, remembering how he gently tried to explain he would hurt you.  
“He’s a gentleman,” Loki commented and you raised your eyebrow.  
“And are you too?”  
Loki smirked. “Probably not.”   
“So.. please tell me about your brother,” you asked him, “when he was younger and-”  
“Why?” he frowned suddenly.   
“Because I’ve never had a chance to ask him,” you answered, a little confused.  
“No, why do you care about him?”   
“Why do you mind?” you asked, still not understanding. Loki got up, his peaceful smile suddenly gone.  
“Because everyone always cares about him, everyone adores him-”  
“Are you really pissed off because I like your brother?” you got up from bed, leaving your sleeping cat there, “Are you really _that_ jealous?”  
“Yes! Yes, because even with you, there is no conversation without talking about _him_! He is always the one getting whatever he wants!” he yelled which irritated you, “Sometimes even what I want.”  
“He deserves it! Look at everything you've done since you arrived on our planet! Just look at it and tell me, how can you expect anyone to love you?!"  
You knew it was too much right after you said it. But it was too late. You expected him to yell again or hurt you or something but none of that happened. Loki just kept looking at you for a while, nothing else. That sudden hurt and dissapointment in his eyes made you realize that he is much more vulnerable than you’ve ever thought. He always looked so strong on the outside but deep inside, right on that place where you just hit him, he suffered. That much you could tell just from staring into his eyes. And then realization came over you. Thor told you once how he doesn't even recognize his brother anymore, that he wasn't always this cruel, that he was just an innocent young prince, until he discovered that horrible secret about himself. He wasn't always like this and you stupidly forgot about it. All Loki wanted was for once to be the chosen one.   
When you understood that, it literally broke your heart. But when you tried to say something, he already left and closed the door.   
“Loki!” you run out of room and then out of the other one. You were surprised he didn’t lock you but you didn’t think about it at the moment and run down the stairs. You caught up with him on the street. It was already darkness outside and you were once again surprised when you saw it was snowing.   
“Loki, please. I am sorry. I didn’t mean it.. where are you going?” you asked, scant of breath.  
“Does it matter? Take your cat and go wherever you want, Y/N. You are free.”  
“What?” you whispered, too shocked to answer. After all this time spent here and trying to escape, you could leave. The thing was, you no longer wanted.  
“Please, just listen to me for a while. I didn’t mean it, I swear. I guess I was just trying to push you away, because.. you made me trust you and tell you everything. I was afraid, that it’s part of your plan and you’ll use it against me.”  
He shook his head but didn’t move closer. “Then you misunderstood me, I would never-”  
“Yes, I know now.”  
“It doesn’t matter anyway. Go back to your father,” he added and then started walking away again.  
“No, I’m not going anywhere. I will stay here, in our bed, waiting for you to come back like I did almost every night when you left,” you bit your lip, this finally making him stop, but he didn’t turn to you yet, “I am sorry for saying that. I was afraid to fall for you, not knowing it happened already. I love my father, I love my friends but Loki, _my darling_ , there’s nothing I want more than you. I don’t know why do I feel this or when I started, I just know I do. So if you want, go away but I will stay here waiting for you, because that’s all-”  
Your words were cut off, when he quickly turned over and kissed you. Desperately and a little roughly at first, then he slowed down, kissing your lips tenderly and gently. You’ve been kissed before but it never felt like this. Your legs felt weak and your heart was beating faster than ever before. Like it was always meant to be. His lips on yours, his arms around your waist, your fingers in his hair and flying snowflakes around. A perfect moment in unperfect life, a perfect combination of two unperfect beings.   
When he slowly pulled away, you suddenly remembered Tony’s words.  
“Like a spark,” you whispered and opened your eyes.  
“What?” he asked quietly, his lips still close to yours.  
“Nothing. Can you take me to the rooftop like you promised?”  
“Yes,” Loki smiled and took your hand.

  
When you sat that night on the rooftop, resting your head on Loki’s shoulder and felt his fingers gently playing with yours, you were not sure what would happen next, what will Loki do, what Avengers will do, what will _you_ do but one thing was sure: You fell in love with Loki’s broken, beautiful soul.


	4. The Other Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Loki are head over heels falling in love and both refuse to care about anyone else. Reader allows herself to believe everything is going to work out, but Loki is a perfect liar and life isn't a fairytale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is smut so NSFW. Enjoy it, because like I promised next chapter will be cruel.

The days after Loki kissed you felt like a dream. That first kiss and whole night spent on the rooftop slowly, naturally grew into relationship. Relationship unlike everything you’ve ever experienced. He wasn’t impulsive like his brother, quite opposite. He was sometimes angry, sometimes jealous, sometimes anxious but always quiet during those moods so it was hard to say what was bothering him at the moment. You learned that he is manipulating, farseeing and a perfect tactician, mischievous by nature and ready to destroy everything in his path for his goals. This combination made him a very dangerous man and sometimes, when you realized this, you had the urge to be careful around him. Before you met Loki, you has a very clear opinion about this thing: if you ever meet a man like him, there’s just one thing to do - run as fast as possible.  
But he totally ruined your opinion, because there was always his other side. On this side he was a thoughtful man, able to spend hours just thinking. And looking handsome as hell doing it, by the way. He was that kind of man who has trouble to express his feelings but has his own ways to let you know. He could be so loving, caring and protective sometimes, it was hard to believe it. And smart, very smart. And mysterious. So in the end, it looked like no one was like him. A beautiful mess.  
You decided it was time to told him about your power, so once when you both just lied in a bed, you simply told him about it.  
“Can you try it on me?” he asked, clearly curious.  
“I can but it probably won’t work. When we fought in the Stark Tower, I tried it on you but it failed. Still don’t know why.”  
“I remember I felt something strange,” he answered and kept quiet for a moment, “it probably failed because I was using magic on you at the moment. You know, magic is power of mind as well. So maybe at that moment, my mind was.. closed, because of that.”  
“That makes sense,” you replied, looking at him.  _So smart._    
But it was still Loki, still that Loki who loved to play tricks and start a little fights like:  
_“See? It’s broken,” he said, when you tried to shut the bathroom door, but it simply refused to stay closed._  
_“You broke it,” you replied and tried it again._  
_“No, it was already broken when I came in.”_  
_“Are you saying I broke it?”_  
_“Well, it is obvious you did.”_  
_“You’re unbelievable,” you rolled your eyes and let him have his truth._  
Or when you convinced him to fight you on the rooftop and he cheated:  
_“We said no telepathy, no magic! You promised!”_  
_“I lied and I won” he replied simply, laughing at you when you angrily walked away._  
Or when he couldn’t get along with your cat:  
_“That furry thing is again sleeping on my side of bed. Just saying.”_  
_“That furry thing is your son. Just saying.”_  
_“It’s too furry to be my child.”_  
_“So you are saying I am cheating on you?”_  
_“Not necessarily. I mean.. yeah he’s really furry but he can be just mommy’s boy, right?”_  
_“Now you should run, Loki of Asgard.”_  
These days when you showed him your love and interest, he talked much more than before, answering your never ending questions. Nothing was better than sitting on his lap beside fireplace or lying in his arms and listening to his quiet voice, while he talked about Asgard, his mother and his childhood. There were still many secrets and things he never talked about. But you appreciated little things you found out about him yourself. That he doesn’t like snow, loves strawberries and everything sweet. That he likes to read books and has one very sensitive spot on his neck. You found out that while kissing this one place, you could make him do anything you wanted. That was good to know. But like always, there was the other side and some things about him broke your heart. Like one you found out soon after you got together:  
“My love?” you heard his voice when he came back. You just stepped out of shower and couldn’t fight your smile. _His love._  
“In the bathroom, darling. Just wait a sec-”  
But he didn’t seem to hear you and came in.  
“Y/N, I am- .. _oh my dearest mother,_ ” Loki whispered, shamelessly looking at your naked body.  
“Loki, Jesus!” suddenly you couldn’t find your towel fast enough and he didn’t bother to help. When you finally wrapped it around your body, you looked at him, trying not to blush so much.  
“So what do you need to say so badly it can’t wait a second?”  
“I forgot,” he replied and came closer. You let him hug you from behind and closed your eyes, when you felt his strong arms around you.  
“May I ask you something?” you whispered, feeling his lips pressed right below your ear.  
“Anything.”  
“What happened to you when you fell off the bridge?” you asked, still keeping your voice low. Loki didn’t even tell you he fell, Thor did, when he once mentioned he thought Loki died. Almost right then you felt him pulling away and you were no longer in his arms.  
“I did not fall and we are not going to talk about this. _Ever_.”  
His voice suddenly felt cold and distant and he left the bathroom before you could say anything else. _When he never tried to talk about it, you should have keep your mouth shut,_ you thought and quickly got dressed. You knew you shouldn’t mention it again but.. he said he didn’t fall. Does that mean someone helped him fall and tried to kill him?  
You came out of the bathroom and found him sitting on the bed.  
“I really don’t mean to bother you but.. what do you mean you didn’t fall? I promise I will never again ask about what happened next, just answer this one question, please.”  
Loki looked at you with his eyebrows furrowed, like he was thinking why is it so important.  
“I was hanging from the brigde and then I let go. It was not an accident.”  
That hit you right in the chest. _He_ let go? You expected that someone tried to kill him or hurt him or whatever but not this.  
“You what..?” you whispered, not able to look at him at the moment. You knew Loki felt unworthy and not good enough in his family's eyes but you never thought he would..  
“Y/N, what's the matter? Why is it suddenly so important?” Loki got up from bed and you felt his fingers on your cheek, then his lips on your forehead, "let’s just forget about it, if it makes you feel like this.“  
"Stop acting like it’s not a big deal,” you answered, burying your face into his neck.  
“It isn't,” Loki replied simply and you felt sudden anger rising in your chest. Why is he acting like it doesn’t matter at all? You pulled away from his loving embrace and stepped far away from him, making him more confused than before.  
“You must be kidding me! Loki, wanting to die or not mind dying, that’s not a normal feeling, so stop acting like it is! And if you still don’t understand my feelings then imagine it was me-”  
“Y/N, come on-”  
“No, just imagine it,” you took a dagger from his pocket and positioned it against your chest, trying to show him what it actually feels like, “what if I would just stab myself? Does it sound normal to you? Does it still sound like not a big deal? Do you-”  
Suddenly Loki was in front of you again and you felt his fingers taking the dagger from your hand, quickly but carefully not to hurt you.  
“Don’t you dare even joke like this again,” you heard anger in his voice but when you looked above and met his gaze, he was more than just angry.   
"But what would I do without you?” you whispered and when you saw the look in his eyes, it was clear no one ever told him something like this. With that knowing it was harder to fight your tears. But on the other side, no one ever looked at you like Loki did at that moment. Like nothing mattered more than you, like there was nothing more important. You wanted to tell something but his lips on yours stopped you so you forgot about it and kissed him back.  
“You wouldn't believe how much I want to see you naked again” he shamelessly whispered between kisses and you felt his fingers slide under your sweater. Your heart started beating faster, maybe because of his touch on your bare skin or maybe because of his words. Or maybe both. You bit your lip.  
“I’ve never done this before,” you said quietly when you felt his hands gently caressing your back.  
“Neither have I,” he replied and you had to smile, before he leaned closer again. He kissed your neck and you breathed in his scent when he was so close. There was no rush and it all felt so simple and so right. You were just a woman who had urge to tear Loki’s clothes off of his body, since you saw no proper way how to take off all those complicated metal things. And he was a man who helped you with it and laughed all the time doing it.   
“I have no idea what you would like me to do,” you admitted shyly, while he kissed your left shoulder.  
“And I have no idea what you would like me to do as well. But I will find out. And you will too. Don’t be so nervous, love.. come here,” you let him lead you to the bed and you lied on it, taking him with you.  
It wasn’t at all how you expected. It wasn’t as passionate as movies showed and not at all as perfect as books told you it will be. Sometimes you did something wrong and sometimes he did, but he quickly saved it with some sassy commentary, making you laugh and relax again. While he was taking off your panties, you tickled him with your toe on his neck and in return he gently bit your ankle. You resentfully opened your mouth but seeing him laugh made you laugh too, moments like this making it unforgettable.  
When he took your hand and interlocked his fingers with yours, you looked into his eyes right before you felt him enter you, which was strange and unknown feeling, sharply painful at that moment but not as much as you expected. It still made you squeeze his hand tightly and dig nails of the other hand into his back.  
“I am sorry,” he whispered into your ear but you just shook your head, hugging him tighter. You doubted there was more beautiful feeling than being connected with him in this most intimate way possible. It felt like this is how it was meant to be the whole time.  
“I love you,” you exhaled, saying it for the first time. Loki tensed a little and looked into your eyes, slightly shocked and confused. You guessed he was not ready to say it back but like usually he surprised you when he leaned closer and whispered: “I love you more.”  
Then everything was merged into one stream of new, intense feelings. He moved slowly and carefully first but he soon couldn’t bear it and sped up, making you moan louder than before. You were still nervous and he was too, which made his moves sometimes erratic. But it was so intense and it felt so damn good when his hips met yours over and over again. You reached your orgasm first, sooner than you expected. You dig your nails into his back again and when intense pleasure hit your body, you couldn’t catch your breath for a while.  
“Now that was quick,” he commented and grinned, apparently he didn’t expect it either.  
“Blame yourself,” you giggled, still scant of breath. Then he moved again, until he reached his own release. Watching it was more pleasurable than having your own, since his furrowed eyebrows, pleasure written over his face and moan that escaped his lips were surely the most erotic things you ever saw and heard.  
When he then lied on your chest and you gently played with raven locks of his hair, looking outside the window at flying snowflakes, it was probably the most peaceful moment in your life.  
“I have to go to see my father tomorrow,” you whispered, kissing his hair.  
“You can’t, you’re my prisoner, remember?”  
“You said I am free!” you laughed.  
“I lied.”  
“No Loki, really. I have to tell him I am alive and alright. But I want to come back to you, so I have no idea how to go there and come back without getting captured by them.”  
“Simply. I will go with you and kill everyone who lays a finger on you,” he murmured and moved up, then lied next to you.  
“Jesus, no. I need to find out what to say.”  
“I can make an illusion of me killing you so we can get rid of him,” Loki tried again and you rolled your eyes.  
“We don’t want to get rid of my father-”  
“I do.”  
“I don’t. So think about how to tell him I’m alive and get his permission to leave again,” you sighed, looking at the ceiling, “I will run away, if needed.”  
“And you promise you will come back?” Loki asked suddenly and you looked at him, raising your hand to touch his cheek.  
“Of course I will, I promise,” you smiled gently.  
“My love,” he replied quietly and you smiled wider.  
“My darling.”  
“My flower.”  
“My hero.”  
“My salvation,” he whispered and that made you stop that sudden nickname war.  
“Really?”  
Loki smiled and closed his eyes: “Yes, really. You are my salvation, Y/N Rogers.”  
Next morning, you went to see your dad. You couldn’t stop being nervous, you had no idea what you would do, if Steve will refuse to let you go. Lost in your thoughts, you almost didn’t notice it but when you looked above, you saw something strange. Something blue that looked like a hole in the sky. You stopped, looking at the same place. _What the hell is this?_  
“Y/N!” You heard Loki’s voice behind you, so you turned to him, totally confused and a little worried.  
“Loki, why are you- ..what is it?!”  
He hesitated to answer first but then he said: "My army.”  
“What?” you whispered, still confused but you slowly started to understand and it felt like someone hit you right in the face, “I..I thought.. I thought that maybe when we got together, you won’t..”  
“I have no other choice, my love. It’s too late,” he replied and his arms hugged you around your waist.  
“Don’t expect me to fight on your side-”  
“You won’t fight at all. You need to leave,” he added, ignoring panic around him.  
“Where?!”  
“Anywhere. Just leave New York. Now.”  
“Loki, please listen. We can stop this.. if you will come with me right now, you can tell Avengers you want to stop this. You know Thor will believe you and the rest of them will believe me. If you help them stop this, that would be the only way for us to be together.. because if you are really going to take over Earth, there’s no way I can be with you,” you said with heavy heart, but no matter how much it hurts - if he will really destroy your own home, you can’t stay with him. You thought you saw tears in his eyes but he said nothing, just kissed you. And for the first time his kiss felt like a fairytale that was going to end too fast.


	5. Sometimes you are better lost than to be seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki makes his choice, reader meets the cruel reality and then learns that everything can be even worse than she'd imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like writing actions so this one is in flashbacks. You all know how the battle in NY happened, anyway.  
> The song I used is The Forgotten by Green Day!  
> ALSO, THOR: THE DARK WORLD SPOILERS.

**_A year after the Battle of New York_ **

Thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight, you kept counting seconds, listening to the ticking clocks beside your bed. Thirty-nine.. _how many minutes it was? Or how many hours, actually?_ You took a look at the clocks - 3:47 AM. Nice. If Loki would be here, he would run his fingers through your hair until you would fall asleep, like he did a few times before. But he wasn’t there. He was gone. _He is not here anymore._ Realization hit you, it felt like something heavy falling right onto your chest and you covered your face with your hands. There we go again - the brilliant ability of your brain to bring back memories exactly when you tried to sleep.

 

 __ **\--Flashback--**  
After that very last kiss Loki gave you, he literally dissappeared and you found yourself in the middle of chaos. In the middle of fear, screams, explosions and fire. At first, you somehow couldn’t move, all you could do was to stare at the destruction in front of you; and a dead body not so far away from you. The man looked young. Death and war. This is how it looks and sounds like. Suddenly you were sure you would never be able to get this sight out of your brain. Catastrophy in every sense of the word.   
A hand appeared on your shoulder and you jumped and almost screamed.  
“I knew it,” Steve breathed out and you opened your mouth to say something, but you forgot what it was. “Y/N?” he sounded worried and you looked up at him. It felt like he appeared out of nowhere. Maybe I am dreaming. Maybe none of this is real. Then you looked into his eyes, filled with fear, relief and love. You suddenly hug him tighter than ever before. _He is real._  
The shock dissappeared and only when you hugged him, you realized how painfully you missed him, his protective embrace, where everything bad wasn’t so bad.  
“Oh my god,” you whispered when you felt his arms around you. You heard another explosion behind you but it didn’t matter at the moment. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he replied, but before you could say anything, he added: “We have to go, come on.”  
**_\--End of the flashback--_**

You sat up and sighed. Little Steve, now almost full grown cat, seemed to be deeply offended by your sudden move.  
“Sorry man,” you whispered. Almost right after the battle, you returned to the apartment and found your little kitten sleeping on a chair. The building still had to be protected by Loki’s magic, the fighting didn’t touch a single wall. Everything was just like before. Except for not everything was just like before. You quickly got up, there was no reason to stay in the bed and try to fall asleep, when your brain stubbornly wanted to tortute itself again. You looked out of the window. The city wasn’t quiet, New York was never quiet, just like your head. Except for, New York was brave, because it survived and was loud again, breathing with life and joy of people. But you.. that storm inside you was a hurricane of emotions and memories, the good ones and the bad ones, all of them made you feel something else. And the combination was.. well, nerve-racking.

 ** _\--Flashback--_**  
Attacking chitauri’s minds was a one big mess. No rules, no guarantee of success. It worked on some of them and didn’t on others. It was still hard to actually find a way inside their brains and it took you much more energy than it would with a human.  
Your head was spinning after the last try to attack one of them. It didn’t even work.  
“Hey, are you hurt?” You felt a hand above your elbow and quickly opened your eyes. Steve.   
“No, just exhausted. I’ll be fine.” He looked around, still holding your hand. “The basement in the Stark Tower, go Y/N. And be careful.”  
“Don’t be ridiculous, I am not even hurt that much,” you replied and shook your head. _Do you really believe I’ll go and hide myself when all of my friends are risking their lives? Do you even know me?_  
“I said go. Please, just.. just go there so I won’t have to lose my mind every time I don’t see you around.”  
You looked up at the Stark Tower and opened your mouth. _Is that.. ?_ You tried to look better and.. _yes, that was him._ Your heart skipped a beat. Loki did this. He did all of this, but despite of everything, your heart started to beat faster just because you saw him again. Fighting with his brother. Okay, so maybe Stark Tower wasn't that bad idea.  
“Okay.. good,” you replied and Steve’s eyebrows went up, giving you the look he always gave you when he guessed you were up to something. But this time he fortunately didn’t have enough time to ask, when you run away so he just made sure you’re heading to Stark Tower.  
The way up was much harder than you expected. But you knew the place like your own hand so it didn’t took you long to get up there. You found Thor holding down Loki’s face straight ahead, forcing him to watch the burning city. It was even more horrible sight than before. New York was falling to ashes. No matter how much you loved Loki, at this moment you were able to hate him. This was his fault.  
“Look at this! Look around you!” you heard Thor’s voice. It was hard to get your eyes off of the almost fallen city but you did it. None of them noticed you yet, “You think this madness will end with your rule?”  
Loki tried to look away and you were sure he was breaking, it took you only one look into his eyes to know that.  
“It’s too late. It’s too late to stop it,” his voice was quiet but you heard him.  
“No. We can. Together,” Thor tried to convince him again and you could literally feel from his voice how much he wanted his brother to change his mind.  
And when you tried to say something too, Loki catched the sight of you. You could tell the exact moment when everything broke inside him and he looked lost. Like he doesn’t even know himself anymore, like everything was taken from him and there was just one thing reflecting in his eyes - hope.  
Thor looked over his shoulder at you but you couldn’t stop looking at his brother.  
“Please,” you whispered, afraid he didn’t hear you but he did, “ _for us_.”  
Thor looked back at him, then again at you. “Brother, for everything you could have.” And that was when you realized Thor figured it all out. He knew.  
You thought you saw a tear on Loki’s face but you also noticed he didn’t look so lost anymore, his walls slowly building up again. All you wanted was to hug him and break these walls down. But all you could do was stand there, watching him. Then - and you knew it a second before it happened - Loki stabbed his brother with a small knife you didn’t even see in his hand. You screamed and Thor keeled over.  
“Sentiment,” Loki whispered.  
You stepped back and then everything happened so fast. Thor got up and you saw him slamming Loki down, hard. Loki was bleeding and you tried to get closer and help him but he rolled over the edge and disappeared from your sight. Two seconds later you saw him riding a flying whatever it was. He never looked back.  
**_\--End of the flashback--_**

  
This one was one of the worst. This memory hurt a little more than others. Because he was so close to choosing the right thing to do. You kept thinking about it, over and over again. What exactly made him do what he did? What made him hide behind his walls again? But as usually, Loki was one big mystery and you couldn’t understand his choices, no matter how hard you tried. You sat down on the bed again, hiding your face in trembling hands. Your head ached from the lack of sleep and you felt so damn tired. There was no one you could talk to. No one knew. "I just need you to be with me,“ you whispered and closed your eyes.

 ** _\--Flashback--_**  
It was over. The hell on Earth.. it ended. And everyone you loved survived. It’s okay now. A day after the battle, Thor and Loki were about to leave. You tried to secretly visit Loki over the night, but Steve didn’t leave you out of his sight. A part of you wanted to tell Loki how much you hated him for ruining everything you could have together. You even had a whole speech, but deep inside, you knew you would never say that to him. And when you finally saw him, handcuffed and muzzled, your anger went away so quickly you didn’t even think about it again. It took all your strenght not to run and help him. While Thor was shaking hands with the rest of the team, Loki looked up to you, slightly frowned. That single look hurt so much, you wouldn’t believe it. For anybody else, everything was alright again. But for you, nothing made sense anymore. All you could do was thinking: _He can’t leave, he can’t leave just like that. What will happen to him on Asgard?_  
When it was your turn, you hugged Thor and when you caught his glance, you saw in his eyes he was sorry. Hugging him, you very carefully reached behind your back, trying to find Loki’s hand but you couldn’t. Not wanting to draw attention you started taking it back, but then you felt his cold fingers catch yours. You squeezed lightly and his fingertips caressed your skin, before he let go.  
You pulled away from Thor and you whispered a simple: “ _I forgive you_.” hoping Loki could hear you. Then you stepped back, next to Steve. You watched Bruce placing the tesseract inside a glass tube, held by Thor. Then he offered Loki the other end of it. You watched Loki’s fingers catching it and you closed your eyes, not wanting to see him leave. Suddenly you realized why the last kiss Loki gave you on the street, felt so strangely painful. It actually was the last kiss you will ever get from him and somehow.. somehow you knew it back then. You just knew it. And when you finally opened your eyes, they were gone.  
_**\--End of the flashback--**_

  
When you finally fell asleep, only two hours later you had to get up and go to work. You turned off the alarm clock and lay back, not caring about anything else than sleeping. A few minutes later you were awakened by Steve’s hand on your shoulder.  
“Y/N. You’ll be late.”  
“Whatever,” you murmured, still refusing to get up. You felt his hand stroking your hair. “Are you sick? Or you didn’t sleep again?”  
“I am fine.”  
“That much I see,” he kept quiet for a while and you slowly started falling asleep again when he said: “Why won’t you talk to me? What has that bastard done to you? Y/N, you are so.. different.”  
You opened your eyes. Steve tried to talk to you about everything that happened several times, but you refused to discuss it and he wasn’t that type of person who would pressure anyone. Now and then he tried it again, but he stopped doing it a few months ago. This was the first time after very long time, that Steve asked something like this. You turned to him and sighed.  
“I already told you he just held me captive. I was a hostage, that’s it.”  
“I don’t believe you.” _Now, that’s new._  
“You wouldn’t understand,” you whispered and got up from bed, “please, I need to get ready, I’m gonna be late.”  
Steve remained sitting on your bed for a minute, then he nodded and left the room.  
On your way to work, you were lost in your thoughts and a last thing you expected was someone grabing your hand.  
“Jesus!” you screamed and looked up, “Thor.”  
You’ve been waiting for this. For someone from Asgard finally appearing here. You kind of expected Loki would be punished, so you waited at least for Thor to come back. You almost hugged him but then you noticed scratch marks and bruises on his face and arms.  
“What happened to you? And where is Loki?”  
“Y/N, I.. we.. there was an attack on Asgard. And my, uhm, our mother died.”  
You bit your lip and touched his hand. You never met her, but you knew how much Loki loved her. “Oh my god.. I am so sorry for your loss.”  
“Thank you. But that's not everything. When we.. went to avenge her death, Loki, he..”  
Your stomach jumped and you shook your head a little. _Please don’t say that. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say._  
“He is dead too.”  
“No.”  
“I am sorry. He died a hero. And this,” he handed you piece of paper, which you took but you didn’t care, “he asked me to give it to you, while he was imprisoned but I never had a chance, I am sorry for that.”  
You suddenly squeezed the letter hardly in your hand. _Loki died._ You thought it should hurt, you should feel something, but there was nothing. Literally nothing. You don’t even remember when and how Thor left. You just found yourself heading back home.  
Back in you room, you finally took courage to read the letter, even if you knew, it was going to break your heart but what did it matter? You didn’t feel anything anyway. A pain would be something. Loki’s handwriting was a little left-slanted:  
_Y/N,_  
_you are not going to see me soon. I ended up imprisoned again, but I will get out of here somehow. Until then, I really hope my brother will give you this letter, because I hate the idea of you waiting for me and thinking I forgot about you. There is no way I could forget._  
_I want you to know something.. things never really worked for me. But I believed in us more than in anything else before. My walls were up but you just came and brought them down, at least some of them. And I love you for it. Back on Midgard, you were the moment of truth in my lies. And that is the most honest feeling I have ever felt in my life. I like who I am when I am with you, Y/N. For a few days, you brought light into my life and chased away all the darkness._  
_And I promise, if there is a chance to get ouf here, you will be the first person to see me. And if not, then.. I will eventually lose my mind and you will eventually move on, but please remember and never forget that wherever you are, my heart is with you as long as I am alive._  
You could barely see, because of your tears. _As long as I am alive. He is not. He is gone._  It felt like being punched over and over again and you wished not to feel anything again, this was a kind of emotional pain you could never imagine. It felt like someone took your world, throw it against the floor, where it broke into pieces and this - this paper Loki touched and wrote his feelings on - was a last shatter of glass.  
Not controlling yourself, you threw a few things against the wall, like it could help to ease the pain. Then you felt Steve’s arms around you and heard his voice asking what happened and that was the last thing you could handle.  
You screamed.

  
Winter was coming back, you felt it in the air. You were sitting on the same rooftop where you spent a few memorable moments with Loki, including the one after your first kiss, when you both sat there and talked, watching snowflakes flying around. You came back to the apartment, only to find a young man living in here. You wanted him to leave and let you see the messy room, where you found your kitten, the fireplace, the broken bathroom door, the bed on which Loki used to hold you, on which you talked to him for hours, on which he made love to you and said things no one else ever did. But you just left and rather climbed on the rooftop. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.  
__  
Where in the world’s the forgotten?  
_They’re lost inside your memory_  
_You’re dragging on, your heart’s been broken_  
_As we all go down in history._  
  
You still didn’t tell anyone about it. But you had this feeling that things were slowly, very slowly getting better. You started to embrace that this is how it happens sometimes. People die and they leave  broken hearts behind themselves. And honestly, to love someone like Loki never had a chance for a happy ending. It was hard not to feel whole. Something was missing and it wasn't easy living with this constant reminder of Loki's death. 

_Like soldiers from a long lost war_  
_We share the scars from our abandon_  
_And what we remember becomes folklore._

But how empty would your heart be now, not being Loki taking you with him that time? You opened your eyes only to see a first few snowflakes, ending their path on your jacket. You smiled a little. And at that moment, you knew it was worth it. The pain, the broken heart and everything you’ve been through, it was all worth that feeling you experienced when you fell for him.

_Well, don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream_  
_Don’t look away, sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen_  
_Don’t look away from the arms of tomorrow_  
_Don’t look away from the arms of a moment_  
_Don’t look away from the arms of love._

"I guess everything is getting better darling," you whispered and took a deep breath again, "but this is going to be a long life without you, Loki Laufeyson." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You brought light into my life and chased away all the darkness." - I borrowed this quote from Rumplestiltskin. Credit to Once Upon A Time writers. 
> 
> So.. this may or may not be the last chapter. I have a plot for the next chapters, but I am not sure if I should end it here or not. I would really appreciate if you'd let me know. Continue or not?


	6. Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything is settled on Asgard, Loki comes back on Earth to find you and apologize. But he soon learns that he colosally screwed up and even though you keep punishing him, you eventually give in. Somewhere between all of this happening, Loki deals with his jealousy and obvious unability to let anyone closer than he believes to be safe, while you are forced to face the fact that Loki is among other things, a manipulator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, finally! This is so long! Don't get used to it. I must say, I am never completely satisfied with my work but I do like this one :)  
> The title of this chapter is a bow down to the song "I miss you" by Blink182. Its lyrics absolutely perfectly describes this story.  
> NSFW AND SMUT, be aware.  
> Also there is an OC, because I felt like this story needed some new fire.  
> What else do I say? Enjoy it :)

"So he's not actually your father."  
"No, not biologically," you said and looked up into David's eyes. It felt like you've known him forever even though you only met him a few weeks ago. David was that type of person everyone loved to have around. He quickly got you with his optimism and neverending jokes. Being something like walking box of rumors, made the time spent with him even more insteresting. David knew everything about everyone, or at least that's what he believed. And just like that, you became friends so quickly, it seemed impossible. And now, three days before the Christmas Eve, you dragged him out to have a dinner together as usually.  
"When he started dating my mom, I didn't know I was about to spend so much time with him. But then mom had to go and I stayed with Steve," you added, finishing your meal.  
"And just like that, you started calling him 'daddy'?" David raised his eyebrows and you smiled.  
"Well, yes, kind of. I know it seems weird but.. I've never known my father. So it wasn't like.. missing my father, it was missing to even have one," you admitted while you watched David pay for dinner.  
"Then, out of nowhere, there is Steve, acting like a father should. At first, calling him 'dad' was a joke we both enjoyed to make and then it suddenly wasn't a joke. And now here I am, pretending Steve was here from the beginning," you smiled once again and got up from your seat.  
"It's almost unbelievable how simply it works," David returned your smile and you nodded. Steve is surely sent from heaven.  
"And where is your mom?" David continued, "you told me she's an agent of SHIELD but where is she and why so long?"  
He couldn't hide his curiosity and you sighed, walking out on the street. "I wish I could tell you, Dave. But I can't. My mother is on her mission and that's all I can say, I'm sorry."  
"That's fine. Actually, it's great, it feels even more like a good mystery novel or some crime story. You know.. agents, missions and heroes and stuff. I like it."  
You started laughing and slightly shook your head. "Seriously, how old are you?"  
And this was how it went from the beginning. It wasn't like David's friendship healed all your wounds but you laughed again. The air outside the restaurant was so cold, you kept shivering and hid your nose behind the scarf you wore. Heading back home, you both walked through quiet alley, when David suddenly stopped.You turned to him, confused.  
"What is it?"  
"Nothing, we are near your home and the whole evening I tried to..well.."  
"Is something wrong?" you asked, concerned. He looked so nervous, you started worrying.  
"No! No. It's just.. do you remember how I told you the worst thing is to keep secrets from your loved ones?" You nodded, you remembered his words every time you looked at Steve, "well.. I don't want this to be a secret anymore. But I have no damn idea how to say it."  
"Say wha-" you started but then, absolutely unexpectedly, his lips met yours and you, shocked, didn't even try to stop him. The last time you've kissed someone, it was Loki on the street right before the battle and it wasn't at all the same. Loki's kiss always felt dangerous, yet beautiful, like fireworks in your brain, your hands used to keep trembling all the time, your heart went crazy and legs threatened to betray you. This wasn't like that at all, but it felt safe, it felt good and you gave in, kissing him back. You got lost in it but you were suddenly dragged out of the moment by quiet, very familiar voice from behind you, which now sounded quite dangerous: " _What_ do you think you are doing?"

You've never moved as fast as you did when you turned over that moment. For a few following minutes you were nothing but a heap of complete confusion and disbelief.  
"Loki," you whispered so quietly you wondered if he could hear you. You kept convincing yourself that he cannot be real, it must be just a dream, an illusion or something what certainly isn't real. But the way he stood there - tall, beautiful, and angry, the way he kept frowning, the way the cold wind played with his now longer hair - he was real. Thor had to be wrong. You had no idea how something like that could happen but there surely was a mistake. _He is alive._ That made your heart try to escape from it's place and you took a deep, shaky breath.  
"Loki? You mean _Loki?_ " David's voice forced you to return to reality and you looked at him.  
"I have asked you something," Loki spoke again and you anxiously noticed that David has all of Loki's attention.  
"Me?"  
"Yes, _you._ "  
"Y/N, I think you should call your father," David clearly had no idea what was going on and you were still too shocked to say anything.  
"I think that isn't going to help you," Loki smirked a little and then you caught a glimpse of a small knife in his hand and your shock disappeared.  
"Are you insane?!" you quickly stepped in front of him, trying to keep him from hurting David but he still could use his quite unpredictable magic tricks.  
"Most certainly," Loki replied and you took a deep breath as you touched his cheek trying to achieve his attention and get him to finally look at you.  
"Loki, put that dagger down and let me explain. This is not at all what it seems to be and.. we can talk about it, just put it away and don't hurt anyone. You shouldn't be here, someone could see you," you pointed out not wanting anyone to recognize him and cause unnecessary panic. The alley was lonely but still.  
"No one can see us."  
"Oh. Okay, just give this to me," you reached for his hand and tried to take the knife from him, but his fingers wouldn't let go of it, "David, leave. Please. I will call you."  
"Y/N, what are you doing?" David bravely stepped closer and you squeezed Loki's hand, "Do you think I will leave you alone?"  
"You either leave this place on your own feet right now or you leave tomorrow morning, when the first random pedestrian finds your dead body," Loki's voice rised up with every following word, "your choice."  
You closed your eyes and sighed, "Dave, I am begging you, leave. I can handle this and I promise to call you and explain everything, just go. Nothing can happen to me but something will happen to you if you stay. Leave and trust me, I can take care of myself."  
"But if you don't call me, I will come back."  
"Good," you nodded and let go of Loki's hand, while you carefully watched David leaving the alley.  
"Coward," Loki commented mockingly and you took a step back, not sure what to say, "you can do better than that, _love_ , but I suppose that happens when you are so desperate to move on."  
"I didn't.. I didn't move on, I.. and you are not the one to be mad here!" you rised your voice, "where were you? Why didn't you show up sooner? Can you even imagine what I went through?! It's been a fucking year!" you yelled, not caring if anyone heard you.  
"That is less than a heartbeat."  
"Not for me! Thor believes you are dead and I did too-"  
"Hold on, he told you?"  
"Yes."  
"Damn him," Loki sighed and took that step closer to you again, "I am sorry. That is not how I planned it, but he-"  
"You planned it?" you jumped into his speech, looking up into his eyes, entirely confused, "Wait, you did this on purpose?!" you yelped again and Loki said nothing, which could only mean you were right. For a few seconds, you remembered your own desperation and misery, you saw Thor being devastated by the loss of his brother and that was the moment when you slapped Loki across the face so hard, your hand started to sting almost right after.  
Loki seemed to be shocked for a moment and then he laughed a little, which only made you crave to slap him again. "Oh, isn't this why I fell for you."  
Fighting the urge to hit him again, you stepped back and took your way, heading back home.  
"Wait!" Loki easily caught up with you, "you can't just leave."  
"Why? You did."  
"My dear," both of Loki's hands touched your shoulders, his voice softer than before and you gave in, having no strenght to fight your feelings when he was so close you could smell his scent, "I owe you a lot of answers and you owe me a few as well. All I am asking for is a chance to talk to you."  
You stayed silent for a moment, fighting your internal battle. Your brain screamed that he is just a liar, manipulating you but your heart cared for none of it. You took a breath before saying: "My father is planning to spend the night on Tony Stark's party. He leaves around ten, maybe a little sooner. You can come and we will talk. Now let me go and try not to get in trouble."

  
Only when you arrived back home and shut the door, the complete burden of today's events weighed heavily on you. You leaned against the door and closed your eyes, your mind refusing to shut up. You took your phone and sent David a message, saying _'I am fine, don't worry'_ and then you ignored his calls, having no idea what to tell him.  
"You're late," Steve appeared not so far away from you and you opened your eyes.  
"I just.. David.. we just had a good talk and I forgot what time it is," you said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. You headed upstairs when Steve spoke again. "You know, when it comes to David, you often forget.. well, many things."  
You turned back, halfway on the staircase and you looked at Steve leaning against the wall and giving you the _I-Know-Better-Than-You_ look. You raised your eyebrows.  
"I will pretend I have no idea what are you trying to say," you replied sarcastically, earning a smile from him.

After taking a hot shower, you felt a little better. Or at least, you felt less frozen. Seeing that you still had a good bit of time until Loki's arrival, you put on your underwear and then a way too big shirt you've been sleeping in. When Steve will come to say he is leaving, he had to think you have nothing more to do than read a book and then sleep. You walked out of the bathroom and back to your room only to find Loki already lying in your bed.  
"Are you mad?!" you flashed out, trying as hard as you could to not start screaming, "Dad is still home, get out of here!"  
"Relax," Loki sat up and you noticed Stevie, your kitten, walking around Loki and demanding his attention. _Even that cat wants him to be here._ "He won't get inside and he won't hear us either."  
You rubbed your forehead, "This is not going to end well."  
"Stop stressing. When he comes to say goodbye, I will break off the spell and you will tell him you can not open the door, because.. you are naked. And that even might be truth," Loki gave you one seductively wicked smile and you raised your eyebrows as you climbed on the other side of your bed.  
"If you think I am going to sleep with you, think again. No chance," you informed him, your voice mockingly sweet.  
One corner of Loki's lips slightly moved up, "Care to wager, love?"  
"I'm serious and would you stop calling me love?" you started frowning at him as you watched his long fingers carefully stroke kitten's head and back.  
"Alright, _love_ ," he spoke and you inhaled deeply, closing your eyes. Loki chuckled, "No sex tonight."  
"No sex at all," you corrected him and used the moment of his distraction to watch him closely. He looked different. He seemed a little more.. mature? A little more aligned. A little more distant. His hair a little more curly. _You've changed so much. You are even more beautiful than I remember,_ you thought but all you managed to get out of your mouth was: "You've got longer hair."  
Loki looked up at you. "Yes, I suppose."  
You guessed it had to be that somehow sorrowful tone in your voice what made him press his lips together and stare right back into your eyes. You didn't like the way this conversation took so you quickly blinked and cleared your throat, "You came here to talk to me, right?"  
Loki looked back at Stevie, gently pressed his fingertip against cat's nose and replied, "No."  
"What do you mean _no?_ " you asked, annoyed and confused but Loki didn't even look at you and you immediately understood he wasn't joking around. Of course. Of course he never meant to talk about it. You tried to understand how on Earth could you be so blind and silly enough to believe that Loki, _Loki_ , would offer you answers. Loki, who kept secrets from you from the beginning. Loki who was certainly smart enough to guess what you wanted the most - explanation - and use it to get what he wanted. Anger rised inside of you faster than you'd believe. _That filthy manipulator._  
"You disgusting son of-"  
"There we are!" Loki laughed and you wanted nothing but slap his pretty face again.  
"So you disappear for a whole year and when you come back, first thing you plan to do is threatening my friend and second thing you do is manipulating me?!"  
"First of all, I did not plan to threaten him, I planned to stab him but you jumped into my way and-"  
" _Loki!_ "  
"...and second, I am not manipulating you, kitten," his voice became softer, "I may have lied a little to get some time alone with you but-"  
"Basically, you just want to fuck me, good. Why don't you go find someone else? I can assure you, you will be more successful out there than you are here," you growled.  
Loki seemed to be suddenly irritated by your words, "Must you always assume that you know what I want?"  
"What do you want then?" you snapped back. Loki leaned forward and moved closer to you. So close, you wouldn't even have to move that much to kiss him.  
"I want _you_. I want us.. as before," he replied gently and you took a breath to protest but Loki put his index finger on your lips, "I know it won't be immediately the same again, it is never that simple. But you said your father won't be back till morning. Just give me this night. One night without questions, doubts or worries. One night spent together as we did before. Just the two of us, your cat, this bed and a little less clothing if you change your mind."  
_Now this is the real temptation._ You closed your eyes to prevent the sight of his handsome face from clouding your judgment because it certainly did several times before. He was right, nothing can be the same again but you coud use this one night to pretend that time has stopped a year ago. _Don't be stupid, Y/N, you did the same mistake just an hour ago. Loki knows how to use words._ You bit you lip, that is undeniable truth. Loki knew what to say to get what he wanted. So no matter how tempting his offer was, you opened your eyes and slightly shook your head, "No."  
Loki closed his eyes and sighed deeply, clearly annoyed, "Is it because of him?"  
"Who?"  
"David," Loki replied after a while of trying to recall the name, "do you love him?"  
You couldn't believe he thought you would ever love anyone else than him and one part of you wanted to just hug him and strip him of all his doubts.  
"Loki.. look, he kissed me and I gave in, I admit that. But it meant nothing. David is my friend. That's what he was and will be, if he is still interested. He may feel it different but I don't. I don't love him the way you think I do," you explained tenderly and you kept staring back into his eyes, while he obviously searched for a lie in your words. "Now please, keep your distance," you added and using your forefinger, you gently poked his shoulder. Loki leaned back against the wall.  
"So.. seeing that you became nicely talkative, why exactly did you pretend to be dead? Can you enlighten me?" you asked straight ahead and Loki slightly tilted his head, taking you cat back into his arms.  
"I will explain it and you will kiss me in return. Deal?"  
You sceptically raised your eyebrows and then slowly shook your head in disbelief. Loki gave you a knowing smile in return. _Loki of Asgard, ladies and gentlemen, unable to answer one question without getting something in return._  
"You're unbelievable," you looked back at him and nodded, "Alright, deal."  
"I did it to get on the throne of Asgard," Loki reached forward and his fingers gently danced on your knee. It seemed to be unintentional action from him or maybe some kind of nervous tic. However, it made you shiver. "Thor wanted nothing but to throw me back inside the cell after we are back. He had to think I am gone."  
You wanted to tell him how terrible thing to do it was but you rather bit your tongue, not wanting to cause another neverending fight.  
"And did you succeed?"  
"Do I look like I failed, kitten?" Loki smirked and his hand captivatingly caressed your bare skin from the knee up to your tight. Your heartbeat fastened and even though you could barely breath, you managed to slap his hand, "Behave."  
"Behave? Look at how you are dressed. You can't let me face temptation and then expect me not to sin."  
You blushed when you heard him indecently point out that you were still half naked. But instead of saying anything you decided to use your gift and mercilessly slip into his mind, sending him rather detailed image of you cutting off his fingers if he keeps dealing with temptation this way. Loki quickly backed off and looked at his hand, clearly alarmed. Then he moved his fingers and a stunned smile spread over his face as he exhaled and started laughing, "You have quite the claws, don't you, kitten?"  
"I obviously do. So.. what about Thor?" you tried to return back to your questions and Loki shrugged his shoulder.  
"Thor wants to live with his beloved mortal rather than sit on the throne. What about that kiss?"  
"No kiss here for you," you said defiantly and Loki narrowed his eyes.  
"Deal is a deal."  
"Uuh, it doesn't feel good to be manipulated, does it? _Oh, but I didn't mean to manipulate you, my love, I may have lied a little to get some answers from you but._." you continued imitating his accent and Loki growled, reaching to tickle your foot. You chuckled and moved your leg away from him.  
"Your majesty, _please_ , have mercy," you laughed.  
"Alright, you earned it. I like it when you beg."  
He was so close you could smell the scent of leather he wore and your fingers ached to touch those raven locks on his shoulder until you couldn't fight it anymore and reached your hand to touch his cheek.  
"I missed you so badly," he whispered and leaned into your touch and then his lips kissed your palm and that was it. You pulled him closer, taking his lips for the first time in a year and you could swear your heart stopped beating for good, you could swear you would never be able to breathe again but you cared for none of it. You would happily die if it meant his lips would never stop moving against yours and his arms would never leave your waist. You started losing your breath before Loki's lips moved somewhere under your ear and then continued lower down. You firmly wrapped your arms around his neck in an attempt to climb into his lap. Loki understood and sat back, taking you with him, his arms happily welcoming you back into his embrace. You missed that place terribly. You ran your fingers trough his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, while he slowly found his way back to your lips. You wanted to say everything what kept running through your mind. _I missed you. I can't believe you are back. I love you._ But then he deepened the kiss and you had no chance to say anything. Anyway, the words wouldn't describe the way your heart clenched when you felt his arms to finally hug you again. You pulled away, making Loki confused for a while. You grabbed your shirt and pulled it off to let him know you want to break the 'no sex' rule. Loki gave your naked body a two seconds lasting look before roughly kissing your lips again, his hand covering your left breast and you shamelessly moaned and then a loud knock on the door echoed through the room, followed by: "Y/N, can I come in?".  
You jumped and pushed Loki away as if Steve could walk in even though Loki ensured you there was a spell on the door. Loki gave you a pettish look before pulling you back to him. He waved his hand and whispered, "He can hear you now."  
You took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down and not to sound as being almost naked, sitting on your lover's lap. But it wasn't an easy task, with Loki slowly kissing your shoulder and his fingers wandering on your tight.  
"I..I'm sorry, not now. What is it? If you'll wait a minute, I will open," you said and Loki angrily sighed against your skin, knowing that if Steve would want to wait a minute, Loki would have to stop his actions and hide himself.  
But to Loki's very obvious pleasure, Steve replied: "No, it's fine, I'm leaving. I expect to stay until it's over. Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"  
You hardly bit down on your lip when Loki's lips finally reached your breast. For maybe tenth time that day, you wanted nothing but to punch his dark haired head for doing this when your father stood behind the door and you had to answer. You felt him smile against your skin and then his tongue circled your nipple, devastatingly slowly and you pulled at his hair, making him growl in response. "No, I'm fine." _Oh my God, yes._ "Ha..Have fun."  
"Okay then. Good night."  
Then you heard Steve walk away and go down the stairs. Loki used his free hand to cast the spell back on and you let out the air you've been keeping in.  
"You are terrible," you stated, commenting on his unbelievably depraved actions.  
"You are no angel yourself, love," he replied innocently. When you, knowing he was talking about the filthy lies you just let out of your mouth, tried to say something to defend yourself, his lips on yours shut you up and you gave in to his loving touch, trying to take off his clothes. It didn't seem to be as difficult as the last time, since now he only wore a long sleeved green top, leather pants and a dark colored tunic on it. You managed to slide it down his shoulders and then he pulled away, quickly taking off the sweater, which ruffled his hair into messy curls. You leaned closer to take another kiss, pressing your bare chest against his. It seemed to lift a fire somewhere inside of him, his hands almost painfully squeezing your thights. In response you pressed your hips down onto his crotch, which left you with no doubt as how overly aroused he was. And when you unbuttoned his pants and slipped your hand inside, Loki growled and within a second, you found yourself underneath him. You barely had time to react when your panties ended up impatiently removed. You reached to help him slide off his pants but his magic took care of it and he was already naked. You tried to keep up with his passion but there was no chance, when you felt him everywhere. His lips biting down on your neck, his hips spreading your legs, his hand pinning yours into the mattress until you slid your hand lower and intertwined your fingers with his. Then without any previous warning or preparation, he surged forward, filling you in one single move. A shocked gasp escaped your mouth as his sudden, unexpected and a little painful intrusion took your breath away. It's been a long time and only feeling it once before, you almost forgot what it felt like to have him stretching you so much.  
You looked up at him and for a moment, time seemed to stop as he stared back into your eyes and was filling you completely, holding your hand, one lock of his hair tickling your cheek. Then time moved again and so did Loki. This wasn't the slow, gentle and nervous first time. Loki wasn't gentle at all, he was demanding and seductive, his lips captivating and his moves rough, hard and breathtaking. The intensity of his actions made you moan louder than you ever did before holding onto his shoulders for dear life. You were sure that with this pace, it won't last long but you couldn't bring yourself to care as you were just a few seconds from reaching your hilt.  
_Five._  
"Oh my g-..Loki." you squeezed his shoulder as he thrust deeper and harder; once, twice and then again until you've almost lost your mind.  
_Four._  
Loki bit down on your neck so hard you hissed in pain only to make him gently kiss that place several times.  
_Three._  
Meeting his hips over and over again, you dig your nails into the skin of his back and scratched him. Loki groaned in response, the tension becoming unbearable.  
_Two._  
Loki nestled his face to your neck and you lovingly embraced him.  
_One._  
The spasm of devastating pleasure, the moan so loud that every wall of the house heard it. Loki following you a second later, his fingers digging into your hip and his lips whispering your name several times in a row.  
"I love you," you exhaled, trying to catch your breath, holding him as close as possible.  
"Why would you do that?" Loki asked, his voice still shaking. _What?_ That wasn't an answer you expected, which made you open your eyes but he was still resting his forehead against your chest so you couldn't look at his face.  
"What do you mean _why?_ There isn't supposed to be a reason. Don't you believe me?"  
"I do believe you love me, all I am saying is that you really shouldn't."  
His response made many things to run through your brain but then he broke the silence again, "But by all means, kitten.. I love you so immensely it might be the end of me."  
That was enough for you to stop thinking about anything else and hold him tighter. And as you inhaled his scent, kissing his hair, the world could be easily falling apart behind the walls of this room and you would never notice.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter we will slowly enter the Age of Ultron events and you can expect things to fuck up again. And no, Loki won't be the innocent one.


End file.
